I see their lifestyles and their values if any. I wonder. I know sometimes these people may pretend to like me just to get me in their web like a spider in a cobweb. I see beyond that. Sometimes I see the ugly stares or even rudeness.
I know that maybe I should compromise. However I decide not to and just to be myself. I like myself and I know that there are others who do too. I don’t want to lose myself or the other people in my life. I try to change and please other people but I come back to myself. I can’t seem to lose myself. I come to the conclusion that I’m not a people pleaser. I once was. I guess I’ve stepped out of the box.
Have I given up too much stepping out of the box? I guess there are some things I have given up and may miss but I’ve found so many other things that I like and value. There are compromises in these things too.
I say I won’t compromise but I do. I compromise when I see that I am wrong or hurting others or myself.
Yes I may compromise but I can’t lose myself.
You see. I have a selfish reason. I don’t want to be in another person’s hell.
I feel so plain and simple but with a swish of my comb I’ll have a new hairstyle. I’ll put on my red lipstick and makeup and I’ll be completely different.
I think I’ll wear one of my pencil skirts and that new camisole I just bought. I’ll top it off by wearing my new black patent high heels not those plain old flats I’ve been wearing.
I’ll avoid the stares and smiles because I’m really a shy girl underneath.
Oh well here I am walking down the street. Why is that man looking at me with that lustful look? Is my skirt too tight, my top too low? No. He’s just being a dirty old man.
I pass another guy and notice how cute he is. I smile brightly and say hi. He returns the smile and starts a conversation with me. I leave him with my phone number and think what an interesting day.
So I got all dressed up. Where did I go taking so much care to be dressed just right? Oh just to the drugstore around the corner from my house. You see I’m just a plain shy girl at heart. However it was worth it meeting that cute guy and all. I wonder when he’ll call. I smile to myself.
She wears the same old dress. She doesn’t have time to fix herself up. She gives all to her husband and her three children. She’s busy cleaning and cooking and taking care of the kids.
They occasionally go out but she never buys anything new to wear or go to the beauty shop or bother with makeup. Her husband has his night out with the boys and she stays home with the kids.
She notices that some of the women take care of their families but they have girls night out and wonder how some of them have the latest hairstyles, makeup and wear cute clothes. She puts those thoughts out because her kids and husband comes first and thinks she would be being frivolous spending money on herself.
However she notices that sometimes her husband has a wandering eye and looks at the other women in the neighborhood and wishes she were more like them. She voices her concerns to a friend. The friend says do something for yourself. You’ll me better for your family if you take care of yourself. The friend takes her to a beauty shop, teaches her to fix her hair and tells her to skimp a little off the household budget. She does that herself. They go shopping and she buys a new dress. Her friend takes her to a beauty shop and she gets one of the latest styles. Her friend teaches her how to fix her hair. Her friend takes her to a drugstore and they pick out makeup for her. She learns how to use makeup.
Her husband takes notice and loves it but what happened to my wife? What caused her to make such a big change in herself he says to a friend? The friend says it’s simple She got tired of wearing the same old dress..
Lady: So who are you dressed so beautiful and smart?
Not in a dowdy housedress and plain hairdo like me.
I could never get my hair like that or even look like you.
Answer: Yes you can.
Lady: You mean I can? I could? No I never could.
Who are you standing there looking so smart and sophisticated?
You look like somebody I may know but I just can’t think of who.
Maybe I saw you in a magazine or something. Yes. That’s it.
Answer: Oh I’ve been around a long time waiting for you to leave.
You see I’m the other side of you waiting to come out.
Lady: I long to be but I know I can’t.
Answer: Yes you can. You deserve to be. When you realize that
you will be.
Lady: You’re right. I think I do. I do deserve to be and I’ll come to be.
I don’t understand the journey. I can’t explain it. I know it’s not as I planned but it happens that way. It’s not all I wanted but sometimes it’s more than I expected.
Sometimes it was stale, just stayed in the same place There were other times it pushed me to another place. Then it became fun and learning and achieving more than I expected to. Maybe because I was in my adult life and thirsted for what I had lost in the adult years and hadn’t done in my childhood.
I don’t know. Something drives me and I’m afraid of being driven. There is something in me that may burst if I don’t keep seeking and finding. Seeking and finding what I have to do in this journey.